Experiences
by Insomniac Jay
Summary: I'll make up some lie that you'll believe. Because the truth is, I just had the most amazing night of my life. With the love of my life. And, she'll never love me back. She'll never remember it.
1. I'll Lie

**I do not own these characters, nor am I collecting profit from them. **

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><p><em>Jane:<em>

Here I am, it's 3 AM and I'm being called to come escort you home. How did you manage to slip away from us when we all retired home? I'd offered you to go to the Dirty Robber with us, but you simply declined. When you said you wouldn't go, I decided not to go either. You said you had something important you needed to deal with. Now, I know what it was. For the life of me, I can't figure out why you're in here, Maur. Did you come here because it's different from the Robber? Is it because the drinks are better? No one knows you here? I'm not here? There's room to dance? Or is it because you wanted to experiment? What was it that you wanted to try here? I know you can't be a lesbian, Maur. You told me that Ian was the love of your life. Ian. You remember Ian, right? He's a male. With male genetalia. Guess you don't because you're all over that brunette woman.

I see the way you're all over her, and it makes me so angry I can spit. Your hands all rubbing her, everywhere. The place is almost empty. It'd been so hard to even get in here with everyone leaving. But, here you are, making out with some complete stranger. A stranger that's probably just as drunk as you.

"Maura," I say, firmly. You don't answer. "Maura." I try again but you still don't answer. I clear my throat as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. Somehow this pulled your attention away from the breathtaking brunette. _Not half bad,_ I think to myself before you can even say anything.

"Jane," You're stumbling to me now. I catch you in my arms. God your breath smells of pure alcohol. "Jane, you're so pretty." You whisper. I know you're drunk because you have this goofy smile on your face. The smile I get to see when you either made a really stupid joke and I laugh just to make you think you did good. Or when you've had a few too many glasses of wine.

"I gotta get you home," I say to you, trying to steady you. "C'mon." I groan when you're putting all of your weight on me. I think about just dragging out of the joint but then I'd mess up your clothes and you'll kill me in the morning. Instead, I help you stumble to my car. When I finally get you inside, which believe me was not an easy task, you immediately turn on the radio.

"I miss the music!" You yell. You start waving your arms around and I try to just ignore you as I drive you home. Then I feel your fingers on my thigh. You turned the music down at one point but I really had just tuned you out. "Jane." You beg for my attention. I turn to you.

"Huh?" I lose my train of thought when your hand starts rubbing my thigh.

"Do you know how attractive you are?" You ask.

I shrug. "I mean..." I thought for a moment. "I turn a few heads every once in a while." There's no need to tell you that I pay more attention to all of those _women_ who are attracted to you. I never take the a second glance to the ones that actually do show me attention. None of them are you, Maur. None of them are you.

"I can't ever get over how beautiful you are." You hiccup before your sentence is even over with. I laugh. "What's so funny?"

"Are you always this touchy when you're drunk?" I say, shaking my leg to emphasize. "Maur, why were you at a gay bar?"

"I don't know." You shrug. We're at your house now. I frown because my time with you is almost up.

"Why did you have them call me?" I ask. I'm sure you have other friends. Okay, maybe not. I'm sure you have other people you'd rather have come get you at three in the morning.

"Because I love you." You slur. "I thought you knew that."

"You tell me every blue moon." I chuckle as I unbuckle your seat belt. You start pushing my hands away.

"Jane," You stare me down. I sigh. "Jane, I kissed you."

"No." You must've thought that brunette was me. "You kissed a complete stranger, Maur."

You pout for a moment, crossing your arms in front of your chest. "Oh." I laugh again because you look so cute. I nod, pretending to feel sorry for you as I help you out of the car. You start stumbling again, this time taking me with you. I stop us from falling when we get to your front door. I use the key you gave me for emergencies only. You smile, happy to finally be home again. I didn't see Ma's car in the driveway. For a moment I'm worried about where she is but then I remember she's crashing Frankie's. I think she said something about Tommy snoring.

"Get me out of these clothes." You say, pulling at your shirt. You're not being careful with it because it looks like you already ripped part of it. I frown cause you'll probably blame that on me in the morning. The shirt looks really expensive, Maura. I sigh as I pull the shirt off of you. Normally, you're doing this for me. When I get too drunk because I'm haunted by Hoyt. Normally this is your job. What happened, Maur? I hear you taking your jeans off, so I back away. It looks like you need help stepping out of them so I aid you with that too. You fall back on the bed, taking me with you.

"Sorry," I whisper trying to get up but I feel your arms around me, trying to keep me close. "What are you doing?"

"You're so beautiful." Is all you say.

"You're crazy." Again I try to pull away but as soon as I'm close to getting away from you, our lips are pressed together. I pull away immediately. "I'm so so sorry!" I stand up and step away from you as far as possible, until I run my back into the wall.

"Jane," You laugh. "_I_ kissed _you_."

"You did?" How didn't I notice that? I'd been wanting to kiss you. Hell, Maura, since the day I've met you I've wanted to kiss you. "Oh." I know you can't see me that well because all of the lights are off in your room. The only light we have is from the moonlit sky. How romantic.

"I want to do it again." You say, not really giving me a choice. I feel your hand reaching for mine so I grab it. You pull me to you. I don't want you to kiss me again. I don't want to be led on, Maura. I think you know how I feel about you. We just never discuss it because you're so nice. You know that I value our friendship more than anything so you don't let my feelings get in the way. I thank you for that.

I feel your lips on me again, but this time they're on my neck. They're working their way up to my lips. First they start at the bottom of my neck, then to the side, then on my jaw, then on my chin, then on my lips. While you're working on my mouth, you use the hand you grabbed earlier to guide me to your breasts. I didn't know you'd taken your bra off. Honestly. I feel your nipple against my palm. It's already hard. As soon as my skin made contact with yours, I hear you moan in my mouth. I smile. I've always wanted to be the reason for that, Maur. I used to only dream of what I'm doing to you right now.

Your hand makes mine rub against your nipple. I lower myself on top of you, resting between your legs. Jeez, Maura, when did you get rid of your underwear? How hadn't I heard you getting rid of all of this in the dark?

"We can't." I whisper as I pull away from you.

"I want to." You say. "You always give me what I want. I _want_ this, Jane." Your other hand is on my other hand, guiding it to your pussy. I feel how wet it is and I can't deny you any longer. I slide two fingers into your pussy, starting to pump them, slowly. I can hear you moaning, begging for more. I apply pressure to your clit with my thumb but it still doesn't seem like it's enough for you because you're still begging.

I kiss your nipple, taking it in my mouth. "Jane..." You breathe. I thought you were going to say something else, tell me that I'd been doing it wrong. But, I guess I'm doing it right because you're moaning so much. I can't help but smile. I can't help but try to remember as much as I could. I'm soaking in this, Maura. Your fingers are running through my hair and I'm pulling at your nipples with my teeth. I wonder if I'm being too rough with you but I don't care. I know that you're liking it because you're to the point of screaming. I kind of feel bad for you neighbors. Hell, I kind of feel bad for Tommy if he's home.

"Fuck me," You're moving your hips with my fingers. I can tell that I found your g-spot because your hips bucked against me. "Yes! Right there! More!" You scream. I try to comply by giving you all that you ask for. I apply more pressure to your spot as I add another finger. Your nails are digging into my back. Somehow you lifted my shirt enough just to get to the skin. It hurts but I don't care. I'm high from the scent of your arousal. You wrap your legs around me, locking them together by your ankles. This makes it a little harder to fuck you but I'm managing just fine.

I decide it's time to cover your screams before someone calls the cops on us. I kiss you, swallowing your screams for you. You're okay with it because your tongue is wrestling with mine. I think you want dominance somehow in this. I'm already fucking you senseless so you have to win somehow, right? I can feel the resistance from your clenching walls. I work through it until I feel them clench completely around my fingers.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" You scream, pulling away from my mouth. Your teeth clamp to my neck as you ride out your orgasm. I help you by rubbing my thumb against your clit. When I feel that you've had enough and that you're too sensitive now, I pull my fingers away and you whimper. I smile and kiss your lips softly. I don't want this night to end but I see how sleepy you are in your eyes.

"Goodnight." I whisper to you. I think I saw you smile. I didn't expect this to happen, Maura. I never expected any of this to happen. Not that I regret it or anything. Trust me. It's the most amazing night of my life. I'll never have a night like this with anyone else. No one will ever measure up to how great you were, even though you didn't touch me, I feel like I'm feeling the afterglow.

I'm the first to wake up. I can hear your even breathing. Your hair is all over your face. I smile to myself, but then I remember what woke me up in the first place. I really have to pee. I try to carfully get off of you and I think it worked because you don't even move. I walk to your bathroom and close the door behind me. I look at the mark you left on my neck. After I flush the toilet and wash my hands, I look at the marks you left on my back. I pull my shirt back down. You're awake when I return. You're covering yourself with your blanket and pinching the bridge of your nose. Uh oh.

"What happened?" You ask without looking at me.

"You got really drunk." I can hear my voice shaking.

"Why am I naked?" You look around. "We didn't...did we?"

For a moment, I thought you might have actually felt the same way about me as I do for you. For a moment, I thought you were in love with me. I thought you got yourself so drunk that you couldn't lie to me about your feelings any longer. I don't know what I was thinking, Maur. I can see the look on your face. It tells me you feel guilty, that you feel like you made a big mistake. It tells me that you don't feel the way I feel about you at all, and you never will. Last night was something that shouldn't have happened. It was something that you'll never remember. I cup my neck to hide the bite mark, then I shake my head. I hear you sigh in relief before grabbing your robe. I feel my chest clenching and my throat closing up. I grab my shoes to get out of your room as quickly as possible. I hear you calling my name but I feel too sick to answer. I'll lie to you later at work when we're in the morgue. I'll tell you that I didn't hear you or that I forgot I left the stove on at home and had to hurry.

I'll make up some lie that you'll believe. Because the truth is, I just had the most amazing night of my life. With the love of my life. And, she'll never love me back. She'll never remember it. She'll never be able to understand just how difficult it is to be her best friend. I love you, Maura Isles. I'll always love you.

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><p><strong>AN: Please review, let me know what you think. <strong>


	2. We Can Do This The Easy Way

**By popular demand, I will continue this story. For your benefit, it doesn't even stop here. I'm not entirely sure where to go so suggestions would be great.**

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><p><em>Maura:<em>

Somehow I managed to fall asleep again. I suppose that earlier I hadn't been quite ready to wake up, anyway. You left in such a haste, I hadn't had time to ask you if you'd wanted to stay. We'd be called if we had a case, right? I know I have no autopsies pending. As I roll over to stretch, I see that you left your phone here. I wonder what it was that had you so upset. I shrug, deciding it's just one of those mysteries about you that I'll most likely never figure out or if I try to, it'll give me a headache. I already have a hangover that I'm willing to sleep away, if I can.

I'm in my bathroom now, I decide to keep the lighting off. My head is throbbing, I don't need any more factors for this headache to last a lifetime. As I take my robe off to get in the shower, I notice from a side glance that there is something that's not supposed to be on my body. I turn to the mirror, studying the mark. It looks like a bruise on my neck. More like the burst of a small blood vessel under my skin. A hickey, in other words. The mark feels as if itself is also throbbing, adding pressure to pain. I sigh as I try to focus on one task at a time. I don't need to worry about how I got this, just yet. I need to worry about how I will cover it. I know that I can use foundation, powder, or concealer, but all of those things are already trouble to my delicate skin. I suppose I can wear a scarf today. How exciting, I haven't wore one in months.

With the start of Spring, it's the perfect time. I release a sigh as I step into the shower. It feels as if I haven't showered in months. I know this to be untrue, I showered yesterday morning. All I can remember is leaving work to come home. That's all I can remember from yesterday. Work. Did I drink a lot at home? I hear your phone ringing from my bedroom. I think about going to answer it but then I decide against it. It's your phone, that would be an invasion of your privacy, right? It would be rude. I think. I'm not sure. I finish getting ready as slowly but thoroughly as possible. By the time I leave for work, I can hear your alarm on your phone. It's to remind you that I'll be coming in to work soon. I smile. I press dismiss and toss it into my purse before pulling off.

It's hard to work with a headache in my office. I had to dim the lights which turned some heads of the people who passed by my office. They all seemed confused, but once they noticed me behind my desk, they continued to walk. I couldn't find you when I got it, so I still have your phone. I tried calling Angela from it, but she didn't answer also. I decide it's time for a coffee break. I know that I shouldn't give your phone to your mother, and I know that you wouldn't _want _me to do that. If I thought I was being invasive by just looking at your alarm, I know she'll be invasive by texting every guy in your contacts until one agrees to go on a date with you. I see you sitting with your mother at a table. I wonder if I should interrupt. You look incredibly upset. What would a good best friend do? What would you do? You would go up to whatever it was that upset me and beat the crap out of it. I can tell that you've noticed me because you tense up and Angela turns around, curious as to what gave you that reaction. She seems to be understanding because she squeezes your hand before walking away. I bite my lip as I walk over to you.

"You left this at my house." I say, sliding your cell phone across the table. I took Angela's seat, so now I'm across from you.

"Thanks." You put the phone in your holster. You don't even check to see if you have any missed calls. You do, by the way. You have four. Barry called you twice, then Vince. Twice.

"Are you okay?" I ask, studying your expression. It worked pretty well on Hoyt, I figure it'll work wonders on you. "Did I do something?"

You scoff. "No, Maur. You didn't do anything." It almost sounds sarcastic, but I can't ever tell how to differentiate between your sarcasm and sincerity. You threw your hands in the air, uncovering the mark on your neck. It looks as if a small blood vessel had been burst. Is that a love mark, Jane? Where did you get a love mark? You didn't have that yesterday. At least, I don't think you did. I'm exceptionally observant, Jane. That's how I found out about your feelings for me. When you risked your life to save me from Hoyt. You took on two men, tied up. I knew that there was more to that than just wanting me to be safe. When you killed him, you wanted to make sure he _never_ had the opportunity to hurt me again.

"Was it something I said, then?" I continue. I'm not going to let you shut me out like you always do when you have these moods. It's almost as if you intentionally shut _me_ and no one else out. I can't help but worry when you do that, Jane. How can I be your best friend if you keep things from me? I've only kept one thing from you and that was Ian. At the time, I didn't think I would see him again, so I didn't think I could tell.

"No." Your voice was firm. You're trying to be strong. You don't want me to see that you're weak. I've seen you at your weakest moments, Jane. I am sure I can handle whatever is wrong with you now. It can't be Hoyt, because you killed him. You killed him to protect me.

"Jane," I say calmly, but alerting you that I will be getting what I want. "I can't help you if you don't let me."

"What makes you think I need your help, Maur?" You turn your head to look at something else. I almost in relief. The way you were looking at me had me frozen in place. I couldn't help but feel guilty but I have no idea what to feel guilty for. "I did just fine before you. I'll do just fine now."

"You're not without me, Jane." I try to grab your hand across the table but you pull away, quickly. "Would you like some space?" You only nod. I sigh as I oblige. Your wish seemed like a command. I slide off of the barstool and turn to leave the cafe, forgetting what I even came up here for. I can hear your mother saying something, so I turn around before leaving. She's taken her seat back and you're listening to whatever she says as you watch me leave. I turn back around to give you what you want. I'm not sure what I've done or what I'll even do about all of this, but I just know that I want my Jane back. I've never seen you this upset. I've seen you upset to certain degrees. Hoyt escaping. Hoyt's apprentice coming after you. Hoyt trying to kill me. Frankie almost dying. Shooting yourself. Those were different levels of pain. This seems to have hit lower than that. This seems to be deeper than any of those things. I'm not sure how that's even possible, because I thought all of those things were the_ only_ things that could hurt you. I take a deep breath before return to work. This is going to be a long day. I know that I've already decided I won't give up on you. I'll give you the space you wanted, but that doesn't mean I've given up, Jane. Only that you're giving me time to try to figure last night out. I _will _figure it out. I have no doubts about that. Down in the morgue, I'm trying to piece things together. Friday, I wanted to try out Merch. After discovering it was under new ownership, I wanted to experience the life of clubbing at a gay bar. I wanted you to come with me because I was too afraid that you would think something of it. That maybe it was a date or something. So, I'd decided to just go Saturday night, alone. I woke up naked, Jane. You said that we didn't do anything but I know for a fact that you have feelings for me. I'm doing this save our friendship. Although, I definitely want there to be more than friendship between us. I see the way you look at me, Jane. I hadn't noticed it before until you killed Hoyt to save me. I suppose after that, I thought of you as my hero. You saved my life. Not caring about risking yours. I know that you love me Jane but do you really want to be with me? I'm a mess. I can't always guarantee that I'll love you forever. I can't because it's scientifically proven that animals are meant to mate. My feelings about people change so often, you know that. Oh, God. Did I tell you that last night? But even that wouldn't elicit this type of behavior from you.

I flat out told you before we went undercover at Merch that you weren't my type and you only laughed it off. So, why would that upset you now?

The love mark. I woke up naked and you have a love mark on your neck. I look down at my fingernails for a moment. Oh no. I need to find you. I don't care where you are. I don't care what you're doing. I have to figure out if this assumption is right. I see you with your partners in the cafe now. You're looking down at a paper. You glance up for a moment. When you realize that you saw me coming towards you, your head shoots up.

"Stand up." I demand. You look at me confusingly. "Jane, we can do this the easy way or difficult way. Please, just stand up." You groan but oblige. I walk around you and lift the back of your shirt up. Suspicion confirmed. Scratch marks on your back.

"Maur," You whisper, pulling me from hearing distance of your friends. "I got those from..."

"We had sex." I spit out, blatantly. "I've made those marks before on my other exceptional lovers." You start to protest.

"Jane," I interrupt. "I woke up _naked_, and you have a hickey on your neck along with scratch marks on your back. I am willing to bet the membrane of that hickey will match my teeth." You don't say anything so I continue. "We had sex. But what was it that upset you? Did I tell you that I don't want to be in a relationship with you?" You look at me for a moment. Most likely deciding if you want to have this discussion at work or not. You glance at your partners, as they obliviously work on whatever you all had been working on before. You turn back to me, licking your lips. But, you still don't say anything. I sigh, impatiently. Jane, why are you delaying your response? I've figured it out. Now, just admit to it. Tell me that I'm right. What are you afraid of?

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><p><strong>Review with suggestions please. Or just how you like it so far. <strong>


	3. I'm Afraid I Won't Be Able To Love You

_Maura:_

"It was a mistake." You say. "I shouldn't have let you talk me into it." You laugh, humorlessly. "I guess there hadn't been much talking, really."

"I'm sorry, Jane." I say when you grow into silence.

"I should have known better." You turn to your mother, who'd been busy occupying her time. "I should have listened to Frankie and Barry. I put myself in harms way when it comes to you. I should keep my distance. I have to keep my distance from you, Maura." You don't look to me. But, your words are a mixture of sincerity and agony. It's almost as if you mean the words but you don't want them to be true.

"Please," I quietly beg, trying not to disturb anyone else. "I know that I messed up, but let me fix it.."

"Some things you just can't fix." You slide your fingers through your hair. "Sometimes, people are just so fucking stupid, you know? We make mistakes, and I understand that. I can't hold you accountable because I could've left. I could've walked away at any time but I think I was being selfish. I know I was being selfish. I wanted it so badly, you know? I was the sober one. How could you be held accountable for any of your actions last night? Ma says a drunk man never tells any tales, but that doesn't mean what you said last night was true."

"What did I say to you?" I try remembering, piecing all of the clues I have together. Gay bar. Calls. Telling you that I think you are beautiful. You have a hickey on your neck. Waking up naked. Although, you'd been fully clothed, you'd been missing your cell phone from your holster. Along with your shoes. I know that we had sex, I know that I upset you. But, did I actually tell you I didn't want to be with you? I can't assume, Jane. You know that I don't feel comfortable doing that. I'm almost always wrong, anyway. Remember when I tried to diagnose Joe Friday? It turned out to be an allergic reaction.

"Forget it, Maur." You turn to walk away but something stops you and you turn to me. "It's better if we don't talk about this again." You let your hand fall, not bothering to cover up the mark anymore. I stare at it before you walk away. You turn around once before leaving, then you're gone from the cafe. I think you left the precinct too. You're probably going to blow off some steam by playing basketball or tennis. I can hear Barry saying something about your attitude to your mother and Vince. They all look at me as if I'm going to tell them anything.

I just walk away. I can see you staring at something at the bottom of the stairs of the precinct. I want to go to you to tell you that I love you. To tell you that I want to be with you, Jane. But, Jane, I'm so afraid of hurting you. I'm afraid that my interests will change, just like they had with Ian. I'm afraid that I won't be able to love you the way that you need me to. I'm afraid that I won't be able to make you happy like you want me to. Jane, I'm afraid that all of the things I am good at; loving someone with everything in me isn't one of them. I can't simply just give my all to you. I had to intoxicate myself to even open up completely.


	4. I Know You're Waiting

**A/N: I told you guys I'd be satisfying your fix soon. It's so much easier to write this story. You know, when I'm in the mood for writing. Remember to follow me on twitter, which is: Juhkobe. I would like to get know some of you and I would love some feedback on my writing. Also, I do give out spoilers. I especially will be giving out spoilers for this story and the Until My Dying Day project. **

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><p><em>Jane:<em>

I bounce the tennis ball once before swinging the racket against it. I hit it with all of the force I am capable, and the ball bounces from the side of the building. I ignore the pain in my arms and legs because I need to get over it. I'm going to be hurting for a while. I might as well get used to it, now. I can hear Frankie yelling something to me about anger. I ignore him as I get another ball from my bag.

"What's wrong?" He asks when I swing to hit the ball. I can see his racket from the corner of my eye. He swings to hit the ball when it comes back to us.

"Maura." I say through my teeth as I swing with all of my force again. "I. Am. So. Sick. And. Tired. Of. Her. " I say, hitting the ball with each word when it keeps coming back to me. Frankie stops trying and just stands there.

"What did she do?" He asks.

I sigh when the ball goes flying in the direction of the first ball. "Nothing."

"C'mon, sis. I know you. Something is bothering you." He walks with me retrieve the balls.

"The only thing that's bothering me," I say as I bend over to pick them up. "Is you, Frankie."

He stops where he is. I hear my phone ringing from my back back on the court. I sigh as I walk to get it.

"What?" I don't even bother being nice. I don't bother because I'm tired of trying to pretend like everything's okay. I'm tired of people. "I'll be right here." I tell Vince. A case. Great. Just what I need right now.

We've got a dead body. This means I have to work with you. How can I work with you after last night? How can I even attempt to even look at you? It'd been hard enough in the cafe. And when you tried to touch me, I felt all of my body tense up. I could only see the images of you writhing beneath me from last night. But, then I had to remind myself that it'd been a mistake. That you didn't even remember it at first I'm surprised you didn't call into work, Maur. You were really drunk. And you looked really tired this morning. I thought you were going to pass out when you were leaving. You walked so slowly. You weren't even wearing heels. I kept watching to see if I would need to help you if you fell. When you turned around, I wanted to look away but I had to make sure you were okay. No matter how mad you made me, no matter how hurt I was, I_ had_ to make sure you were okay.

"What do we have?" I ask Barry, attempting to take my mind off of you. It doesn't work because I remember that this is a homicide. That means that you'll definitely be there. Unless you send Dr. Pike or some other imbecile to do your job. I wouldn't be surprised. Again, you were really drunk.

"Shooting victim." He says as he gives me a pair of latex gloves. I slide them on, easily.

"Dr. Webster? What's she doing here?" I try to play it off that I had no idea why Dr. Webster would be there. I guess I'm the only one that knows your dirty little secret, Maur. You're too hungover to do your job.

"Yeah, Dr. Isles called her in." He tells me. I only give off a slight smile. I've only worked with Dr. Webster once. She reminded me a lot of you, Maura. She's so smart. Her head should be the size of Texas. That would make your head the size of the United States, including Texas.

When we get closer to the crime scene, I think I can hear you. "What's she doing here?" I ask.

"It's...complicated." He drawls. When we reach Vince, he's looking at me kind of funny.

"What?" I don't bother to look at you. "What's going on?"

"It's..." He turns his head. "It's one of Paddy Doyle's guys." That's why you're here. That's why you called Dr. Webster in. You didn't want to work the case because of Conflict of Interest but you were curious. Curiosity. The reason for all of the useless things you know. I can hear you assisting Dr. Webster. She doesn't seem to mind it, but I'm not ready to talk to you just yet. I can see you kneeling over the body, pointing out things that the other doctor should pay more attention to when she does the autopsy. You look up, and our eyes connect. I feel ashamed so I'm the first to look away. It's so hard to look at you, Maur. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this job without running into you. Did you assign Dr. Webster so that it would be easier for me?

You being here doesn't make it all that easy, Maur. Nice try, though. "So, what's going on?" I ask, bitterly

"Middle aged white male." Dr. Webster starts. "Shot and killed about...an hour ago."

"Was there an ice pick in his chest?" I ask.

"Yes." The doctor looks at me. I can see you looking at me but I don't take my eyes away from Dr. Webster. "How did you know that, detective?"

"Hunch." I say as I look over the body. I bend down to examine it with you and Dr. Webster. She doesn't seem to mind but I notice how tense you get. What's your problem? I don't bother to pay you any attention, I'm at work so I have to be professional. My problems are nothing compared to this poor guy's life. "What's with the bruising around this area?"

"I believe it's a severely shattered clavicle." You say, pointing to his collarbone.

"That's interesting," I mumble. I can see you frown from the corner of my eye. I expect you to excuse yourself or something but you don't. You just sit there and observe everything that's going on around you. Finally after checking the crime scene for more evidence, we come up short. So, Barry and I call it an evening decide to go back to the precinct. I noticed that you'd left an hour ago. That made working a lot easier but I know that I'll have to deal with you back in the morgue. I sigh, pushing the door of the homicide unit open.

"What are you doing here?" I ask you when I notice you sitting at my desk. You looked so carefree. Your hair had been pulled into a bun but there was a rebellious strand, dangling just in front of your ear. You didn't seem to mind it because you were reading something on my desk. It looked like it had your full attention cause you didn't hear me. "Maura." I say, louder this time. You turn to me, slowly.

"Sorry." You pull back from the desk. "Paddy Doyle's name comes up in a lot of cases."

"Yeah." I drop my blazer on the desk, right on the file you had your eyes on. You take the hint and pull your hands from under my jacket. "What are you doing here?" I repeat.

You brush the strand of hair behind your ear then cross your arms on your chest. "I think we should talk, Jane."

"We don't have anything to talk about." I say, although I actually don't want anything but to talk to you. I think I want that more than I even want to find our murderer. You pick up on my lie, I think. You don't move, you stand your ground. Well, technically, you sit.

You glance around the bullpen. No one is in here but us. "Just hear me out." You say. I nod. You stand up, giving yourself a little more confidence I guess. "I can't be with you." I sigh. I already know this, Maura. But thank you for pointing it out to me. "I can't be with you because I'm not entirely sure what love is."

I groan because I can tell you're going to go into a bunch of definitions and explanations, backing up your fear. Hiding behind your useless facts.

"The Beatles' George Harrison wondered in his famous love song about the 'something' that attracts me like no other lover.' Well, a University at Buffalo expert explained that the 'something' is actually several physical elements that – if they occur in a certain order, at the right time and in the right place – can result in true love. There are several types of chemistry required in romantic relationships. Meaning, a variety of different neurochemical processes and external stimuli have to click in the right complex and the right sequence for someone to fall in love." You pause for a moment, letting me register what the heck you just told me. Once I feel like I understand some of it, I nod, signaling for you to continue.

"First there's smell," You step closer to me. "Made up of learned or cultural preferences, such as the smell of a dozen stemmed roses. Smell forms part of the framework that conforms to the cultural attractiveness standard; for example, smelling like a strawberry instead of manure. Next are the pheromones, which are more mysterious to us humans. They are unlearned and perhaps unsmellable, signals that enter the brain through the offactory system. They can function in sex, alarm, territorially, aggression, and fear. While sex attractant pheromones may explain changes in libido, they don't explain why we choose a specific person for a mate." You pause for again, letting me soak all of this in. Are you really trying to ruin love for me, Maur? It takes away from the mystery.

"In humans, specific mates are probably chosen on the basis of other sensory cues: visual, regular offactory, auditory and tactile cues. These cues, especially smell, strengthen in time. After a certain amount of bonding, specific mates may be more recognizable to each other by smells rather by pheromone. Studies show that people can recognize unwashed t-shirts belonging to their mates by the smell. Then there is the brain, which produces its own substances that are involved in bonding. Two related brain peptides, vasopressin and oxytocin, have been shown to be involved in both the permanent or long-term social bonding that underlies mating. The neurotransmitter dopamine, in a part of the brain called the VTA, is certainly involved in the rewarding properties of love and sex."

"Please...get to the point." I beg. My brain is starting to hurt.

"I can explain to you to you what love is, scientifically. But, I just can't feel love. I can't let myself accept that there is more to life than science. I am happy for those who find a partner and spend the rest of their lives with their partner. I sum that up to companionship. They are generally pleased with each others company and decide to let that last for the rest of their lives. But, I can't love you the way you want me to, Jane. I can't love you the way you love me. I can't give you my all and promise you forever. I can't..._allow_ myself to give you all of me for the rest of my life. Not because I don't want to – and trust me, at first, I didn't want to because I'd been too afraid to – but because I don't _know _how. I am not good with emotions, Jane. I am not like you. I can't understand all of my feelings, even though I can explain them. I can't...love you." You're so close to me, breathing so carefully. I know you're waiting for my response, but what can I say, Maur? I'm so drunk off the smell of you. I can smell your hair, the strawberry-melon scent of your shampoo that has almost worn off. The minty smell of your breath. And your natural scent that I experienced last night. God, you smell so good, Maur.

"Say something," You beg, softly. I can't think, clearly. I can't even see clearly. Who the hell turned the lights off? You're biting your lip now and all I can think about doing is biting it for you. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out.

"Maur," I start to say after another few silent moments. Before I can get even another word out, I can hear Barry and Vince at the door of the bullpen telling me they've found something. I can hear you exhale, impatiently. I want to smile but instead I pull myself away from you. I wish I can tell you that we'll talk about this later, I wish I can tell you that I even want to. I don't. The longer I'm near you, the less I want to _talk_ to you and the more I want to touch you.

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><p><strong>Reviews and follow me on Twitter. Remember it's: Juhkobe<strong>

**Next scheduled update: March 18, 2012**


	5. Protect Maura Isles

As I walk away, everything in me screams for me to turn back around. I can't because we're working a case. A case that involves your biological father. A case that could put you in danger, and I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you. That would mean I let my feelings come before my job. At the academy, we are taught to never let that happen. I turn around, once giving in to my heart. I see you sitting down at my desk, your face in your hands. Your body's shaking. Are you crying, Maur? You don't cry! I've only seen you cry when Ian left you.

I turn back around when Barry or Vince, I can't tell who, but one of them cleared their throat to get my attention. I follow them down to what seems to be the interview room. There's a man sitting at the table, waiting for us. Vince doesn't follow us into the room, instead he goes to the room next to it, to watch us. I sigh because I'm really not up for a bunch of questions that will probably get us no where. Whoever wants Paddy Doyle dead, isn't going to be careless about it. They're not going to go around telling just about anybody what they did. Instead, they're going to be the only individual in their little project. I sit there quietly as Barry asks all the questions. When the guy says your name, that's when I involve myself.

"Excuse me?" I say. "Did you just say Maura Isles?"

"Yeah," He seems annoyed that he has to repeat himself. "The boss wanted us to get as close to her as possible, to protect her. I was doing that when your boys here just arrested me! With no charges!"

"Well, you just admitted to working for Patrick Doyle." Barry tells him. "Sorry, bud."

"This won't stand up in court." He says. "I'll be out of here before it even gets to court."

"We'll see about that." I say to him. "Why does Patrick want you to protect Maura Isles?" I already know why, but I want to know if there's a specific reason. Like maybe Patrick knows something that we don't.

"I don't know," The man says, impatiently. "I guess he has a thing for her. I don't question orders. I just follow them."

"Who are you protecting her from?" Barry asks.

"Don't know." He sighs. "Whoever killed my partner Gary. Boss said she was in trouble. Told us to protect her from whoever has been killing our men. He says they're trying to get to him."

"Get to him how? Like scare him?" Barry questions.

"No...I mean like get to him. To kill him." He looks at me. "Whoever this guy is, he's skilled. He's getting to us. He's killing us. She's not safe for long. You locking me up in here only means he'll get to her faster."

"There's the problem with you and us," I tell him as I stand. "She has Boston's finest here to protect her. You're only working for Boston's finest mob bosses. I get to kill two birds with one stone. Lock you up and protect her." I nod to officer to let him know that we're done here. That's all the information I'm going to need. Someone's after you and I need to protect you. I can give the case to Barry and Vince. I can just use my time to protect you. Cavanaugh will sign off on that, I know he will.

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><p><strong>AN: Some of these really short chapters are necessary. They're a bridge. **


	6. I Imagine My Life Without You

**A/N: For the reviewer that said they had difficulty following the story, I'm confused as to how. What is so puzzling about it? Maybe you other readers have an answer for me. **

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><p><em> Maura:<em>

I can hear Vince calling my name – well the nickname he and other detectives picked out for me – as I begin to read over the autopsy results. I'm down in the morgue now, because talking to you and explaining to you how I feel only proved to be a complete disaster. It didn't go the way I'd hoped. I'd hoped you tell me that you loved me and that you were willing to take those chances on me.

"Doc," Vince says, he seems out of breath. I sigh, disapprovingly. He really needs to improve his cardio. "Doc, we need to talk."

"About what, Vince?" I turn to him. I put the file next to body on the autopsy table.

"Someone's trying to kill you." He says.

"I haven't noticed that." I tell him as I take my latex gloves off. "How long has this been going on?"

"Don't know, Doc." He's leaning on the empty table for support. "I, uh, Jane and Barry went to interview this guy Max Taylor. He was near your car, outside of the precinct. Just kind of...standing there. We were on our way to ask a few questions to some guys at the docks."

"At my what?" I am confused. Why were there men at my house?

"No, the Docks. No like you, Doc but the dock workers." He clarifies. I nod, in understanding now. "Anyways, we noticed he was just standing near your car. He had a bit of a Irish accent when we asked him what he was doing there. He has that stupid clover tattoo or whatever. So, we decided to bring in for questioning. He says someone is trying to get to you. Someone is trying to kill you. And they know that Patrick Doyle is your father."

"Oh no," I wonder how you are taking this news. You very protective. Either you won't rest until you know you've found the threat to me or you will do everything you can to make sure _you're _the one protecting me. "What are we going to do?"

"Jane's on her way to talk to the Lieutenant." He tells me, his breathing has improved. "She wants to keep you here but in your office."

"How long does she plan on keeping me here?" I can feel my breathing hike. Even thinking of being alone in my office with you for just an hour scares me. I don't know how you're going to treat me. Will you be mean?

"Until we find this guy. I guess she'll take you home at night." This works out in your favor because I don't actually have any work to do. Whatever work is thrown my way will go to Dr. Pike or Dr. Webster. Especially anything about this case. "Don't worry, Doc. We will make sure you're safe. No one's getting the drop on you." He smiles but that doesn't make me feel any better. I walk to my office and close the door behind me. Time alone with you. If looks could kill...I think I'm going to die tonight. It seems like I'm in my office for an hour but for the second time I look down at my watch and it tells me I've only been in here for twenty minutes. I chew on the inside of my cheek, nervously.

"Maura." I hear you at my door. I hadn't even heard you open it. You're closing it now, behind you. I can see that you locked it then checked to see if you locked it. It's a habit of yours. You always check to see if you locked something only seconds after you in fact lock it. "I know Korsak talked to you." I nod. "Then I guess he told you about the plan."

"That you'll be here babysitting me until the bad guy is caught." I don't mean to sound so harsh but I have nothing left in me but anger and fear. I told you the truth about my feelings. I do love you, Jane. I know that. But, I don't think I can love you to the capacity that you love me. Knowledge is a curse.

"Okay..." You take a seat at the same seat you claimed to be uncomfortable a few months ago. There's a silence that speaks volumes between us. You don't know what to say and even if you did, you probably wouldn't say it. I don't know if I should say anything so I continue reading. I look at my watch when I've read the entire magazine. Only an hour has gone by. There's a knock on my office door, but before I can say anything, you're pulling your gun from your holster.

"Stay there." You order. I don't say anything, I just follow your orders. You look through the blinds then put your gun back to your holster. You sigh, heavily as you unlock then open the door. "Ma, what are you doing here? I almost shot you."

"I'm sorry!" She exclaims. "I thought you two would be hungry." She tells us as raises the tray she's carrying. There's two plates and two glasses of what appears to be water in one and a colored substance in the other. Juice?

"Thanks, Ma." You smile as you take the tray from her. "I'll see you soon." You tell her before closing the door. You somehow manage to lock the door while holding the tray. You don't even look at me when you give me my plate of food and the glass of water. How did you know that I would prefer water? How did she know?

"Thank you." I say. You don't say anything back. You just go to that "uncomfortable" seat. I sigh. I'm not really hungry but I know that my body needs this. Especially the water. I'm still feeling the hangover. The lights are very dimmed in my office and that doesn't seem to bother you.

We eat in silence but finally you throw your fork down on your plate. "Alright, will you stop staring at me like that?"

"Like what, Jane?" I ask, innocently. I know that my staring bothers you but I want to talk to you. I can't just say it because you'll refuse. I'm making you initiate the talk.

"I don't know." You gesture to me. "Like that!"

"I'm sorry." I look down at my fork in my hand. "I didn't think it was bother you." That wasn't a lie. I hadn't thought it was bothering you. I thought my plan hadn't been working. That maybe you were so upset with me that you didn't care about that, anymore. "I just want to talk. I want my best friend, back."

"You should have thought about that last night." You mumble, cowardly.

"You went_ along_ with it, Jane!" Is this what it sounds like when I yell? I don't yell very often. "You _knew_ what you were getting yourself into! It's not all of_ my_ fault, Jane. I have apologized for last night and I have _explained_ to you why I can't give you what you want. I want to, Jane. I want to love you with all of me for the rest of my life. I want that more than you even realize."

"Then do it, Maur! It's not that fucking difficult!" You're standing now, and I can tell just by your stance that you're angry. "You don't think I'm afraid of you hurting me? You don't think I'm afraid of hurting _you_? But that's the point, Maura! You give your all to someone even if you think it means you'll get hurt. Love me enough to let me hurt you, but trust me enough not to. That's how I love you, Maura. I know that you're different and I know that you _know_ what love is. But, I can teach you how to feel it. All you have to do is just allow it to happen."

"I can't hurt you like that. I've hurt you, enough." I feel tears stinging my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I refuse to cry now. "Look at how you treat me, now, Jane."

"Because you're deciding everything without talking to me about it!" You throw your hands in the air. "I would at least like to be _included_ in the decisions we make about this."

"I am including you!"

"Not when your decision is final like this, Maur." You've calmed down, now. "I just...do you actually love me?"

"Yes," I say without truly thinking about it. I can't lie, Jane. I love you so much. "I..I do."

"No, I mean. Do you really love me?" You walk around the coffee table between us. Now there's my desk between us. I stand. "How do you know you love me?"

"I imagine my life without you," Those stinging tears are falling now. "I imagine my life without you and...I can't help but cry. It makes me feel empty. It makes me feel...not whole. I don't feel complete. And I can't be happy without you, Jane. I know I love you because if it meant that you were happy, I would give up my happiness for you. I would walk away from you. I would be without you, if it meant that you were happy. All I want to do is make you happy. I don't know how to do that but I know that's what I want." You don't say anything. You just stare at me. I'm a mess. My make-up is most likely smeared. I look awful and all you can do is just stare at me. Like you're trying to decide something. Like you're looking for any hint of doubt in me.

"Please," I beg. "Say something." I'm going to lose it. Any sanity I have left in me is leaving my body so rapidly. This is what you do to me. And you still doubt my love for you?

"I...think that we should go home." You say, quietly. "It's getting late." I want to scream at you because I know I see tears in your eyes. You turn away from me to collect yourself then you leave my office. You're standing on the other side of the door. I can't believe you just did that. I opened myself to you. I gave you what you wanted and...you...just left me. It hurts more than when Ian left.

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><p><strong>I'm really sorry about the short chapters. I feel like I have to divide them. I don't want the same chapter to be a mix between Jane and Maura's POV. So, to keep it from getting out of hand on my part I must have really short chapters. Again, I'm sorry if it's bothersome for any of you.<strong>


	7. You're Yourself Again

The silence in the car is nauseating. It's so quiet. I can tell we've arrived to my house because you do that heavy sigh that you always do when you're irritably uncomfortable. I know better than to grit my teeth, but I can't stop myself. How dare you be upset with me? How dare you be angry?

I'm already to my door now, ready to unlock it. "What are you doing?" You demand, angrily. As if I've just done the stupidest thing ever. "Let me secure it first!" You pull me back from the door by my arm. It was forceful but I can tell you are more invested in protecting me than being gentle with me. I give you the keys because I know that my anger will delude me. I know that I don't have a choice, anyway. You would tie me here with your belt if you had the time to do it. You pull your gun from your holster and position it correctly to protect us. I watch you walk through the door.

I wait patiently as you secure the house, going around making sure all of the windows are still locked and such. I grow impatient. I'm starting to get cold and I'm sure whatever threat that was supposed to be there is gone by now. When I hear you tell me it's safe to come in, I all but run into the house. I close the door and lock it behind me.

"Thanks," I say without looking at you. I wonder if now is an appropriate time for wine. I decide against it because I'll need to be alert if something happens. I can hear you turning the television on in the living area. "Is there anything I can get you?" I ask.

"No, I'm good." You don't even bother to look to me. You just sit there with your hands in your lap as you watch a sport on the television.

"I'm going to retire to bed." I say, although I have no intentions of getting any rest when there's someone out to kill me and you're in my home as if nothing has ever happened. You only nod so I just walk away. In my room, I get ready for bed. I feel safe enough to do so. I decide on a camisole and silk trousers. I can hear you yelling something to the television. I know it's to the television because you're yelling the names of your favorite athletes, and then you try to quiet yourself down. I smile because at least you're yourself again when I'm not around.

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><p><strong>AN: Another bridge.**


	8. You're Important To Me

_Jane:_

In the living area, I'm just watching the rest of the game. I'm glad we came home when we did or I would've missed a great play by the Celtics. You went to sleep, or well you at least told me you were going to sleep. I kind of feel bad about being a bitch to you. I know that you were opening up to me, Maura, but it doesn't seem like you really meant it. I guess...I guess I know you meant it. I'm just afraid of what it means for us. What does that mean? We love each other but we can't be together? How do we even go forth from that? What will that mean for our relationship? Well, there won't be a relationship. But, there sure as hell won't be a friendship. We can't be friends, anymore. We've both come to that conclusion on our own and we both know. There's no going back but there's no going forward. I mean, I love you more than anything but I don't think I could handle you hurting me either. I want to be with you so badly. The game is over now and all is left are the highlights. I sigh because I'm bored and I'm going to be for awhile. I heard Ma come home and go into the guesthouse a while ago. I wonder if you're still awake or if you actually meant it when you said that you were going to bed. I take off my holster and put it on the coffee table. We should be safe for now. I go into the guest bathroom to take off my pants. I have boy shorts on, so that makes things easier for me. When I get back to the living area, I can see you in your kitchen filling up a glass of water.

"Hi." I say, quietly. I'm rubbing my eyes, tiredly, going back to the couch to get my holster.

"Goodnight." You say coldly as you walk out of the kitchen. I know that I deserve that.

"Maur," I try to say before you get too far away but quiet enough so that Ma doesn't hear me. You turn around, unwillingly. "I'm sorry." I'm picking at my fingernails because fuck I'm nervous, Maur. I'm afraid of...telling you how I feel. If you haven't noticed, I haven't even told you. You figured it out. I've never told you how much I love you, you just know it.

"I'll forgive you." You turn back around.

"What are we doing here, Maur?" I step closer to you, eager to get your attention. "I mean, we're dancing around our feelings and for what? Can't we be adult about this and just talk? If we both come to the same conclusion then fine but can't we at least give each other a fair chance?"

"Fair chance." You repeat. "Like when I told you just how much you mean to me just for you to tell me it's time to leave?" You set your water down on the counter and walk closer to me. "Was that fair, Jane? Was it fair to me?"

"No." I admit, without doubt. I know that I wasn't being fair. I know that you were afraid of that happening. Opening yourself up to me just to be hurt. But I didn't know what to say.

"So, now that I'm tired and I want to go to bed; you want to be fair?" You're looking at me almost as if you hate me.

"Damn it, Maura." I let the holster slide from my fingers. I don't care about the noise it makes when it hits the floor. "What do you want from me? You want your best friend back? You want me to tell you 'no it's fine, don't love me, it's completely okay you can move on' is that what you want? You want me to give you permission to just move on."

"I wouldn't even if I could!" You yell just as loudly as me. "What I feel for you is..._unhealthy_, Jane. It's unhealthy for both of us. The way we feel about each other."

"Then move on!" I feel the anger roaring inside of. It was like a sealed time capsule that has just been opened. "If you're so afraid of loving me then just move on! I'll be fine!"

"No you won't." You say, quietly. "It would break you to see me happy with someone else. To see me happy without you."

"I wish I could say the same for you." I clench my jaw. "You're just so sure that you'll move on from me."

"I'm not sure of it, I'm just afraid of it." You tell me. "I don't want to, Jane. I really don't. Love doesn't choose. I don't get to choose. It just happens. Like it just happened with you. I'm afraid it'll just _happen _with someone else."

"At least I'll have my chance with you." I don't know why I said that. I'm not even sure if I want my chance anymore, because now I'm just as scared as you, Maur. "At least I'll get to say that we were once in love."

"But you'll hate me." I see what I haven't seen before. You're afraid of losing me. You're not afraid of me losing you. You're afraid of the consequences. "I know I'm not the most perceptive when it comes to human emotions but I try, Jane. I'm trying to understand all of these feelings and I'm trying to work it out."

"You can't do it alone, Maur." I tell her. "I mean, I can only help you so much. Your parents fucked you up so badly you don't know how to love anyone appropriately but yourself."

"It's not their faults." You take a deep breath. "I never asked for much. I didn't even ask for their love, even though I wanted it more than anything. I don't doubt that they loved me, I'm just not sure how important I was to them."

"You're important to me, Maura." I feel vulnerable when I tell you that. I know this conversation is taking a turn for the worse. I'll have to tell you how I feel just to have you tell me it's not going to happen. I'm not going to get you. "I'll need time."

"For what?" You look at me, nervously.

"To move on." I say. "We won't go there. We have work and all. It's unprofessional."

"Jane, I think we've surpassed our professional boundaries." You smile. I can't help but smile when I see those beautiful lips curve.

"I won't be a bitch to you, I promise." I say but I can tell you're confused. "When I move on. I won't be a bitch to you. I won't be mean. I'll just need some distance and time from you. I'll understand when we have to work cases together but other than that I'm going to need...my space."

"I'm selfish." You sigh. "This would make you happy. This would give you all that you want. And, all I can think of is how much I want you to continue to love me that way. I won't want you to move on, Jane. But I will not stop you. If this will make you happy, I will give it to you. I'll stay away from you unless it's necessary."

"How fucked up are we?" I laugh a little. "We're discussing moving on from each other. Like it's a casualty."

"We're...just being mature." I can tell you don't entirely believe that yourself but we'll come with any excuse. I smile and pick my holster up from the floor. "Tonight's the last night, isn't it? The last night I'll see you in my home for a while. The last night I'll see that smile and know I'm the reason for it." I think about the question and how I am as a person. It probably is the last time for a while that you'll see me even smile. If I do smile again, it'll be months from now. I only nod because my voice will betray me and you'll know just how much I really don't want this. But in this time apart, I want the best for you too. I want you to get help because Maura you really need it. I know you don't blame your parents but I do.

I think they fucked you up so badly you aren't capable for commitment. You aren't capable of truly loving someone the way they're meant to be loved. I feel you pull me into a hug and I accept it. I wrap my arms around you, knowing that I won't be able to do this for awhile. Knowing that I won't be able to be this close to you again and if I am it'll never be the same. We'll never be the same again.

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><p><strong>AN: Let me know what you think about this so far, eh? Remember to follow me on Twitter for spoilers and to see how my awesome life is going. My best friend got a tweet from Sasha Alexander today. I've made it my goal to get one from her too. **


	9. Two Months Later

**A/N: Another short chapter.**

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><p><em>Two months later.<em>

_Jane:_

I see you across the cafe from me. Ma is telling you about a new recipe she tried and she's encouraging you to try it out. You learned your lesson weeks ago not to try new recipes from Ma. At least until she made me taste them. I feel sort of bad for you but I'm actually quite amused by this. This is where your kindness gets you, Maur. You're willing to do anything Ma asks, even if you don't want to. You take a bite of whatever that is and make a face that only I can understand. You are truly disgusted but Ma doesn't see that. In fact, if anyone looked at you, they won't see it. They would think you were uncomfortable but that's all.

"Why don't you just go talk to her?" Vince ponders, and I guess he's been watching me watch you. I look at him like he's stupid and just said the most absurd thing ever. "I mean, you haven't talked to her in weeks. I know that you miss her."

"I talk to her all the time, Korsak." I start pushing my food around on my plate to distract myself from watching you. If I even look at you again he'll make a big case of it.

"No you don't." He isn't buying my lie. I decide to just give up but Ma saves me from admitting to defeat and missing you.

"Is there anything else I can get you, Janie?" She asks, observing my full plate. "You haven't touched your food."

"Yes I have!" I defend in the only way I know how to Ma. I get louder than her. "This was over here." I use my fork to point to the chicken. "And this was here." I point to the pasta.

"I don't know why you hate me." She shakes her head. "Would you like something else?"

"I told you when I got in here that I'm not hungry." I did tell her that. I wasn't hungry.

"You always say that now." Vince jumps in and I give him a look. His eyes dart back down to his plate. That's what I thought.

"I'm just not hungry, Ma." I say, apologetically. Hopefully that will get her to back off. "I'm sorry. I'll take this home with me and finish it when I do get hungry." This is a lie. I'm just going to throw it away like I do everything else she makes for me. I feel bad about it. I should start giving it to a homeless people, at least they'll enjoy it.

"Promise?" She looks at me.

"I promise this will be eaten." I smile. By a homeless person I spot on my way home. This pleases her because she smiles big then walks away. Vince is still staring down at his food as he eats it. I smile, pleasingly. I'm still afraid to look at you again so I keep my eyes on my own barely touched food.

I see you from the corner my eye and I try to keep my eyes focused on the plate. "Hey doc," Vince says. "Where ya going?"

"I..." You look at me to see if it's okay to stay. I don't say anything. I just continue to look at my plate. "I...I have a date."

"A date?" He looks at me then back to you. "With who? Isn't it a little early for a date?"

"We have odd schedules." You explain. "We picked the most available time for both of us."

"With who?" He asks you again, not letting go of that question like it'll save his life. "Is it with someone here?"

"No." You seem so...sad. I try not letting all of this information get to me. I try not letting it anger me because this is what I signed up for. This is why I signed up for it. You would move on and we both suspected it. I just didn't think it would be so soon. I only hoped it would be after I moved on, myself.

"A doctor?" Vince questions.

You hesitate for a moment, I can tell your eyes are probably begging for me to tell you it's okay. "Yes." You finally give up. "I have to get going. She doesn't like it when I'm late." You walk away without another word and Vince looks at me.

"She?" He repeats. I only shrug. "Since when is the Doc a skirt chaser?"

"Don't know." I start pushing my food around on my plate, again. I know he can tell that I'm angry but I'm too pissed to care. I got myself into this. I could've had my chance with you and I blew it. It's too late to tell you that I want you now. It's too late to even try to tell myself that. I've come too far. I'm accomplished too much. I can look at other women now and see their beauty without comparing them to you. I can genuinely think something's funny and want to laugh at it. I haven't been able to get laughing down yet. I'm not as mean as I was to everyone else because I was trying my best not to be mean to you.

I can't let myself go there with you now. I'm moving on too and that's the way it's supposed to be, right? That's the way things ought to be. Us happy with other people because God knows we can't make each other happy. I'll be happy, again. I'll be happy again one day.

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><p><strong> I know a bunch of you will judge Maura. And I'm okay with that. But whatever you say about her, remember that not everything is as it seems.<strong>

**Next update: March 20, 2012**

**Follow me on Twitter: Juhkobe**


	10. She Could Never Hurt Me

**I wrote this before I took my hiatus. I'm not done with this story yet. I just got a review asking for an update and I totally forgot that I wrote this. Enjoy. **

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><p>I'm here early I suppose because I don't see her just yet. I pace the hallway, slowly, because I know that it would disturb the others if I acted more frantically.<p>

"Maura," I hear her say behind me. I turn around and smile. There she is. The woman that's been helping me for the last two months. The woman that makes me feel good enough. "How are you?" She asks.

"I've been better." I tell her.

"Tell me about it." She says when I walk into the office. This all too familiar room. This room is where I've opened my heart and let everything out. I've cried in this room. I've been angry in this room. I've been almost every emotion in this room because I've shared my deepest secrets with the woman of this room. Dr. Barbra Powell. A therapist I've always had an interest in. Not because I'm attracted to her but because she's smart. I enjoy smart. I'm only attracted to her mind.

"It's getting harder to stay away from Jane." I say, picking at my nails. A nervous habit I've never had before I met you. "I miss her so much."

"I know," She frowns. "Tell me about your feelings for her. We've discussed loving your parents and being loved by your parents. Let's discuss your love for Jane and her love for you, today."

"Ever since I've met Jane...she's been protective of me. I don't know if it's because she thinks I'm incapable of taking care of myself or if she has taken a special interest in me and only me. I suppose it's both, then. The more I think about it." I try to distract my fingers by letting them play with the hem of my shirt. "I know that Jane loves me and I know that I love her but there are so many circumstances in the way. It's already hard enough for gay couples. Even though the state of Massachusetts acknowledges gay marriage, that doesn't mean we won't face the nasty individuals that don't approve of it. We'll face them at work, we'll face them in public, we'll face them everywhere. Sure there will be those who don't mind but those who do mind tend to be very verbal about it. I'm not using this as an excuse, doctor. I'm simply stating why it'll be difficult."

She gives me a look that says I can continue. "Another circumstance is that there's work. We work together, _all _the time. Her job depends on me and I'm sure I can send another doctor to a crime scene so that it'll be easy but I know that I make her job easier. I'm the one that helps her break cases, sometimes, not the other doctors. They don't look for things that I do. Fraternization is frowned upon at headquarters. They don't allow it. Even if Jane switched divisions, they still wouldn't allow it. We would have to hide our relationship at work and being in a relationship and working together are very difficult."

"But you're sure that she loves you?" She asks, skewing me back on course. I nod. "How do you know that?"

I smile. How can I not know that. "Because she shows me it. She's there for me when I need her. I don't even have to tell her that I need her there. She listens to me when I know that everyone else has tuned me out. She doesn't try to change me like everyone else has. I guess I know because I can just feel it."

"Do you love her?" Dr. Powell looks at me, looking for doubt. Detecting a lie.

"Yes." I say. "I do. I don't how to love her but I know that I love her. That's why I'm here. I want to give her what she wants. I want to give her...me. All of me for the rest of our lives."

"What do you think that means, Maura?" She questions.

"I suppose it means that I can't be with anyone else but her." I look down at my shoes. "It meas that I will have to be honest with her and myself. I will have to be there for her when she needs me to be. I will have to love her for who she is and not try to change her. I can't think about just me anymore. Every decision I make has to have her in mind. There's no more Maura. It will be Jane and Maura. I say Jane and Maura because she will be put first."

"Exactly." She smiles, noting something that I said down. "What if Jane has moved on?"

"She hasn't." I tell her.

"How do you know she hasn't?" She cocks an eyebrow, unconvinced.

"She still watches me when she thinks I don't know." I can't help but smile. "She does it a lot."

"Okay," She nods. "But what if she has?"

"Then I would be happy for her." I say, honestly. "I feel like a burden. She has to be patient with me. She knows there's a possibility of me hurting her."

"Did you ever wonder that maybe she doesn't care about that?" She puts her pen down. "Maybe she's afraid of hurting you just as much as you're afraid of hurting her."

"She could never hurt me." I don't believe that you're capable of that. Any pain you cause me, I probably already deserve it. "But if she did, I would forgive her. I always forgive her."

"I think you owe it to her to give her a chance." Dr. Powell suggests. "You owe it to the both of you. If you love Jane then show her it. Don't run away from your problems because you're afraid of them. Face them head on. Face them head on with _her_."

"What if I've been right all along?" I wonder, mostly to myself. "What if I end up hurting her?"

"At least you can say that you tried." She tells me. "Jane will be grateful that you that you tried. That you gave into your fears and your perception of love. You loved her with all of you and the fact that it failed doesn't mean you'll betray her it means that it wasn't meant to be."

"What if I move on?" That's the real problem here. Moving on. Finding interest in someone else.

"Why did you move on from Ian, Maura?" I can't believe she's bringing him up. How does he relate to you?

But, I answer her, anyway because I hope she knows where she's going with this. "Because...I realized that I wasn't happy. I never knew when he would be here or not. I realized that I could do better than that. I deserved and wanted more. Someone stable. Someone here. Someone willing to drop everything to be with me, even if it meant I had to quit my job and go somewhere else with them."

"Someone like Jane?" She concludes.

I nod. "I moved on from Ian because I was no longer happy without him. I wanted someone to be happy with."

"But you're keeping yourself from happiness," She shifts her weight. "You could be happy with Jane if you just let go and let love take over."

"It's not that simple." I'm getting a bit impatient. "As I stated before, there are so many difficulties in our relationship."

"But you love her." She points out, stubbornly. Just like you would. "She loves you. Love is risking it all for each other even if it means in the end circumstances won." I know that she's right and I can't help but think how much Jane has done for me. I have done nothing for her. I've made her feel worthless. She's not worthless. She's more than I deserve and all that I desire. Not just sexually but emotionally she fulfills me. Jane deserves the best of me before she has me.

"Love is...forgiving." I say, mostly to myself. "Jane is forgiving. Love is acceptance. Jane is more than accepting. Love is more than tolerance. Love is enjoyment. She doesn't tolerate me. She enjoys me."

"I think you should talk to her." She advises. "Maybe you should have dinner with her. Discuss your feelings. Discuss it all."

"She's moving on." I can't believe I've forgotten that little detail. Two months ago, you promised me you would move on.

"I doubt she's made much progress." Dr. Powell smiles and looks at me for a moment. "A dinner is harmless. If she's moving on, it will help her. Telling her what you're afraid. Telling her why there wouldn't be a chance."

"I don't know if I can do that..." I let my eyes fall to my feet. Telling Jane that I'm in love with her...telling her anything about my feelings would be so selfish. She's making so much progress. How can I just ruin all the work she's done so far? "Is there another option?"

"Are you afraid of her hating you?" She asks with a smirk.

"Yes." I nod.

"I understand." She nods. "We can wait for that. It doesn't have to happen now. But, it does need to happen." I know she's right. As much as I don't want her to be. The only way I'll be able to move on is if I get closure. The only way she'll be able to move on is if we both get closure.


	11. Chapter 11

_**I am sad to report that the owner of this account, Jay, has passed away. Most of you know about his battle with cancer. He fought until the end. I, his best friend and a fellow writer just thought some of you should know. I spread the news on my own story (Know You Now) but I knew it wouldn't reach everyone who cared for his writing. Thank you all for the kind words about his stories. He will be terribly missed and as for now, I have no interest in finishing his stories for him. Thank you for your time.**_


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